The Dukes of Hazzardous
by blakebs
Summary: A fanfic based on the parody of The Dukes of Hazzard, The Dukes of Hazzardous, from issue #196 of Cracked Magazine (August 1983), concept based on the "Night Rider Meets the Dukes of Hazzardous" story.
1. A Quiet Little Drive in the County

Chapter 1

The General Flee roared down the road in pursuit of a police patrol car. The patrol car hits a bump in the road that sends it flying through the air it is followed by the General Flee hitting the same bump which sends it flying also.

"Welcome, to Hazzardous County."

"As you might of figured out by now, there's something different about this... well, this is Hazzardous County, they do things different here... and I'm sure you're thinking "why the heck would we care about the goings-on in a hillbilly county like Hazzardous?" well, ya'll about to find out.

"This is Boo Duke, and Cuke Duke, they're skirt chasing cousins that are closer than brothers."

"You know, the biggest thing on my mind today was to do a little shark-hunting. Maybe wrestle a few alligators, maybe catch a movie..." Cuke said.

"Yeah, and then the poodle runs off..." Boo replied.

"My car is stolen..."

"And now we're chasing the low-down sheriff's car. Aren't you glad we don't live in the big city were life gets complicated?"

"Sure, whatever." Cuke replied. "Try not to let him make it to the ends of the earth, okay?" said Cuke.

"It won't be much of a adrenaline fueled chase if we do." replied Boo.

"Stop talking to yourself Boo, and keep you're eyes on the road." Cuke replied.

"Wouldn't we make good cops Cuke?" Boo asked.

"Not with you at the wheel." Cuke sarcastically commented.

"If only Burt Reynolds could see us now..." Boo replied.

"Yeah, he would be ashamed of us." Cuke said.

"Oh, you're just jealous cause I got to be a stunt driver in Smokey and the Bandit and you didn't."

"Whatever you say, cousin." Cuke replied

Suddenly a skunk appeared in the road out of nowhere.

"Look out for that skunk!" Cuke shouted. Boo swerved barely avoiding the animal.

"Ha! In you're face cous!" Boo shouted.

"Look out for that senior citizen!" Cuke shouted once again.

Boo swerves yet again barely missing the citizen.

"Ha! In your face again cous!" shouted Boo.

"Look out for that oncoming traffic!" Cuke shouted, again.

Boo swerves again missing the traffic by an inch.

"This must be our lucky day." said Boo.

"Yeah, we're lucky we haven't been in a wreck yet." Cuke sarcastically said.

"Doesn't this guy ever get tired?" Cuke asked.

"This guy must have a few screws loose." Boo replied

The patrol car comes across an African American citizen checking his mailbox and, nearly misses him by an inch, the General Flee comes into view and hits the mailbox.

"Drunk drivers!" the citizen yelled.

The patrol car comes across a trench in the road and flips over.

"That was one heck of a wreck, eh cousin?" Boo asked.

"I've seen worse." Cuke replied.

The General Flee comes to a stop and Boo and Cuke exit the vehicle from the windows and begin walking towards the crashed vehicle.

"Yee haw! Santa Claus is coming to town!" someone inside the patrol car shouted.

"Looter Stillinport, you ain't got no common sense, do you know that?" Cuke asked.

"Looter Stillinport is the local mechanic, they call him Looter because he litters and they call him Stillinport because he never passes up a chance to steal any nearby automobile, shoot he's already hot-wired and stole the General Flee five times this week." the Balladeer explained.

"What's shaking Boo, what's up Cuke?" Looter said.

"Nothin' much, cept we've been chasing you for half an hour." Cuke replied.

"Oh." Looter replied.

"That reminds me, you borrowed my car this morning, what did you do with it?" asked Cuke.

"I ran it off a cliff and it exploded into a thousand pieces."

"What? Why did you do that, you dang moron?" Cuke angrily asked.

"I did it to distract the sheriff, and when he..."

"When he jumped out you jumped into his, but why did you steal the sheriff's car?" Bo replied.

"Well, he planted dynamite in mine, it seemed only fair to steal his ride."

"Looter, do you realize what it's gonna take to straighten this mess out?" Cuke asked.

"Breakfast, lunch, and dinner?" asked Looter.

"Never mind." replied Cuke.

Boo looks down and notices a slot machine sticking out of the backseat window of the car.

"Well hello, bandit." said Boo. "Well shut my mouth and call me Waylon Jennings, where do you think it came from?" asked Boo.

"Maybe it was taken in a raid?" Cuke replied

"But there ain't no slot machines in Hazzardous county." Boo said

"There's gonna be soon, he's bringing them in as we speak." Looter said.

"Who would that be?" asked Cuke

"Sheriff Rascal Flees." Looter said

"That's not good!" Boo and Cuke said at once

"Yep, that's definitely not good." the Balladeer replied.

End of Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Now by now, I'm sure y'all are wondering "who the heck is Sheriff Rascal Flees?" Well that's him..." The balladeer explained as Rascal stepped out of a patrol car heading inside Bossy Hogg's establishment, The Bore's Nest

"After serving twenty years as a non-low-down sheriff, Rascal's pension got defeated in the last bond election, and after that, things just started to go downhill for old Rascal. Now, he's running for reelection, and hoping to win."

Rascal steps inside the Bore's Nest, and heads towards Bossy Hogg's office.

"If Rascal runs the county, Bossy Hogg runs Rascal, now he eats at the Bore's Nest because his wife, Lala, is a pathetic excuse of a cook." the Balladeer explained "Now you can tell a lot about a man with what he eats for breakfast, Bossy's usually consisted of coffee, raw liver, doughnuts, fried chicken, barbecue, a hamburger, spaghetti, biscuits, eggs and salmon patties. Makes you want to loose you lunch, don't it?"

"Did the low-down police get your car back yet?" Bossy asked as he took a big bite of eggs.

"Well, Bossy, um, no actually n...no." Rascal replied.

"Aw, it figures...The police department has always been worthless in this county." said Bossy. "No offence."

"Um, none taken." replied Rascal

"So anyways, do you have any speeches prepared for that reelection of yours?" Bossy asked.

"Well yeah, here, I'll read it to you."

"Um, ahem, if reelected, I, Rascal Flees promise to um, Rascal-out evil wherever it may hide...and um I also promise um, less citations, and um, and less court appearances, and anything else I might be forgetting."

"Is that it?" asked Bossy.

"Um, yeah that's uh, it. So, what do you think?" Rascal asked.

"I know one thing, if you were in a poetry contest, you'd come in dead last, if it existed, you'd come in 0 place." Bossy replied.

"Thank you Bossy, I think." Rascal replied

"Um, could I have a little bite of that food?" Rascal asked as he reached for a salmon pattie

"Get your hands off my food, Rascal! I'm starving. Get your own dang food, why don't you go to McDonald's, they can cook a mean hamburger." replied Bossy.

"Uh, Bossy?"

"What is it, Rascal?" Bossy asked.

"What's a McDonald's?" asked Rascal.

"Rascal, could you do me a favor?" asked Bossy.

"Uh, what's that Bossy?" asked Rascal

"Knock your head against the wall, that way, you could get a common sense."

"What's a common sense?" Rascal asked stupidly.

"Never mind." replied Bossy as he continued to eat.

"Now then, let's get back to the subject at hand, how do you propose on winning that election?" asked Bossy.

"Well, uh, I could rent a sleigh and..."

"Rascal, impersonating Santa Claus isn't gonna win you that election."

"Actually, I was thinking of impersonating an elf." Rascal corrected.

"Rascal, I'll never, never, never, ever, understand how that noggin of yours thinks." replied Bossy. "How can you possibly when an election, when you don't even know what a common sense is?" Bossy asked.

"Uh, I don't know." replied Rascal.

"Well, I don't know either!" replied Bossy. "Specially since that Terence McBark that's running against you is an honest none low-down individual!" shouted Bossy.

"You mean he's straight?" Rascal asked.

"He's straighter then a comic book!" shouted Bossy.

"I don't think anyone could be that straight." replied Rascal.

"Well, he is!" replied Bossy. "Plus, those low-down cousins, Boob and Loot are always stickin' there heads where they don't belong, in our business!"

"Actually, it's Boo and Cuke." Rascal corrected Bossy.

"Whatever." replied Bossy.

"All I know is you better win that election, otherwise, I won't be able pull off any of my get-rich-quick schemes." said Bossy.

"Don't you worry that fat little head of yours, I'll win, trust me, I'll win." replied Rascal.

"You'd better." said Bossy as he chomped on a chocolate cookie.

"Can't I at least have a little bite of a doughnut?' asked Rascal.

"In you're dreams, if you want a doughnut, go to the Crispy Cream." replied Bossy.

"What's a Crispy Cream? asked Rascal.

"Oh, My head." replied Bossy. "Rascal, please, just get the heck out of here!" Bossy shouted.

"Can't I at least have little itty bitty little piece of a cookie?" asked Rascal.

"No! I said get the heck out!" shouted Bossy again.

"A little piece of a salmon patty?" asked Rascal.

"Get lost!" shouted Bossy.

"A bite of a hamburger?"

"Rascal, what part of get lost don't you understand?" asked Bossy.

"A little spaghetti noodle?" asked Rascal.

"Leave! Leave! Leave! Leave!" shouted Bossy.

"Yeah, but..."

"Shhh! I don't want to hear it! Just get out of here, for the last time!" shouted Bossy.

"But..."

"For the final time, get the heck out of here!" Bossy began to cough.

"Now get out of here before you cause me to choke to death or I'll be forced to call the sheriff."

"But I am the sheriff!"

"I don't care! Just leave!" Bossy shouted

"I'm gone! I'm gone!" shouted Rascal

"That's it, Rascal, go! Go! Run like the wind! Thank heavens." Bossy said to himself as he chomped on a spaghetti noodle.

End of Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"I'm telling you Boo, I'd bet my life savings that the winner of this year's Daytona 500 is gonna be Richard Petty." said Cuke as he and Boo sat at the table with Uncle Jester fixing breakfast.

"What life savings?" asked Boo.

"I'll tell you when I get em." replied Cuke

"Well, I'd put a million dollars on Cale Yarborough, if I had it." replied Boo.

"What do you think, Uncle Jester?" Cuke asked.

"Well, I'd go with Darrell Waltrip myself." Replied Uncle Jester "Wait a minute."

"What is it, Uncle Jester?" asked Boo

"I sense a disturbance in the force." replied Uncle Jester.

"Well, I smell a hideous smell in the force, namely that of those eggs that you're burning." replied Cuke

"Sweet mother of pearl!" yelled Uncle Jester "Get the fire extinguisher!"

"But we ain't got no fire extinguisher, Uncle Jester!" yelled Boo.

"Shoo yee! Those eggs stink!" yelled Cuke.

"Well open a window or something!" yelled Jester.

"Alright." said Cuke as he walked towards the window.

"It's stuck!" replied Cuke.

"Get me some water before the whole place catches on fire!" yelled Jester getting frustrated.

"Don't worry Uncle Jester, Boo Duke to the rescue!" yelled Boo as he ran outside to get a bucket full of water he immediately throws it on Uncle Jester.

"Ahhhhhh! Cold!" yelled Uncle Jester.

"Um, sorry Uncle Jester."

"Shhh!" shouted Cuke.

"What's wrong, Cuke?" asked Boo.

"An intruder!" replied Cuke.

suddenly there's a loud sound of the door opening.

"I've got a cactus!" yelled Cuke as he ran to the door.

"Oh, it's for you Boo."

"Oh boy, pizza." Boo shouted.

"You ordered pizza after I slaved over a hot stove and nearly burnt the house down to make you breakfast?" asked Uncle Jester.

"No offence Uncle Jester, but you're cooking stinks."

"Oh no you didn't." replied Cuke.

"No seriously, you're cooking stinks."

"Oh." replied Jester. "Oh what the heck, gimme some of that pizza." said Uncle Jester as Boo headed for the door.

"That'll be 25 bucks." replied the pizza delivery boy.

"Um, Uncle Jester I'm a little short on cash."

"Oh no, not this time, I just gave you 50 bucks yesterday!" replied Jester.

"Um, Cuke?"

"Don't look at me, I'm flat broke." replied Cuke.

"Great, I'll have to borrow from my piggy bank, again!" said Bo as he headed for his room.

"I can't believe a grown man has a piggy bank." said Cuke.

"Yes! I've got the money! Here you go pizza boy!"

"Thank goodness, now, if anyone needs me I'll be at home taking an hour long nap." said the delivery boy as he headed for his car.

"Gimme!" replied Jester.

"You know Uncle Jester, gimme gimme never gets."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." said Uncle Jester as he grabbed the pizza out of Boo's hand.

"I love pizza." said Uncle Jester as he reached into the fridge to get a beer.

Uncle Jester took a sip of his beer and immediately spit it out.

"I hate flat beer." replied Jester.

"Knock knock!" said someone as they knocked on the door.

"Well, hello!" said Jester.

"Do you remember me, Mr. Duke? Julianna Beautiful? From the orphanage fund?" asked Julianna.

"Sure I do! And I got some money for ya! Somewhere... I'll go find it." said Uncle Jester as went in search of the money.

"Do I hear you right, are you Julianna Beautiful?" asked Boo.

"Um, yeah." replied Julianna

"You're little Julie Ann Beautiful? You look so, skinny. Why, last time I saw you were were bigger than a house."

"I've been doing some exercising."

"Hey Cuke, ain't it wonderful what hormones can do?"

"What does hormones have to do with it?" asked Cuke.

"Well, I don't know." replied Boo.

"Why exactly does the orphanage need money for?" asked Boo.

"The department of decency is threatening to tear it down unless it gets completely renovated." replied Julianna.

"Well me and Cuke will help, won't we Cuke?" asked Boo.

"In your dreams cousin." replied Cuke.

"You don't won't to help, why?" asked Boo.

"Don't you remember, I'm flat broke!" replied Cuke.

"Oh." said Boo.

"Why don't you just go to that department of decency and ask real nice like for them not to tear it down?" asked Boo.

"We've tried everything, I've organized an angry mob, toilet papered they're offices, and vandalized one of the worker's homes." replied Julianna.

"You know what, I had a huge crush on you when I was a kid." replied Boo.

"Isn't it fascinating how our tastes change when he mature?" asked Julianna

"Cuke, is she saying I'm ugly?" asked Boo.

"I'm staying out of this." replied Cuke.

"Alright, I'm back and I've got you're money." said Uncle Jester as he handed the money to Julianna.

"Thank you Mr. Duke." replied Julianna

"Well um, good night." replied Julianna.

"Don't you mean good morning?" asked Boo.

"Whatever." said Julianna as she walked out of the house.

"Ain't she beautiful Cuke?" asked Boo.

"Nope, I hate skinny women." replied Cuke.

"Now all this disgusting romance eventually fits into Rascal's reelection so y'all stick around." said the Balladeer as the General Flee roared down the road.

End of Chapter 3


End file.
